Steve Dix...Comedian?

Raptus Regaliter

This page intentionally left not blank.

13.06.2011 16:46 - Planet X

One of the things that could conceivably run everyone’s day is an Asteroid strike.  We’ve had a couple of close calls already, like the Asteroid that hit Siberia.

But the thing is, we get hit by debris from Space all the time.  Most of it burns up in the atmosphere.  But anything big enough cause problems is being tracked by NASA.

Except for Planet X. 

Planet X, or “Nibiru” is supposedly in an eccentric orbit which will cause it to approach the Earth, stopping our planet’s rotation and causing a dramatic reversal of the magnetic Poles, causing utter devastation, invalidating the warranty on your iPhone, and thousands of complaints to Compass manufacturers.  The reason given for the fact that we haven’t discovered it is that it’s apparently sneaking past all the astronomers by coming in under us, from the South Pole,  the crafty little fucker! 

Now, I don’t know if you keep up with Astronomy, but at the last count, according to the NASA Exoplanet Database, we have discovered 538 planets orbiting other stars.  Now none of these are visible to the naked eye.  Something as big as Nibiru (around 4 times the size of the Earth) in our backyard is going to be visible to the naked eye, so the chances of it blindsiding us are pretty small.  Something that size is going to have a fairly noticeable gravity field and would effect the workings of the Solar System.  We’ve got a pretty good knowledge of how gravity affects things in a Solar System.  That’s largely how we worked out where all the extrasolar planets were.  Plus, the majority of Australian Astronomers are considerably more savvy than was depicted in “Supernova”, so I think they’d pick that one up pretty quick, as well as knowing the difference between God and Jon Pertwee.

So who is it that started all this “We’re going to get flattened by another planet” stuff?  Apparently it’s a woman in Wisconsin who was visited by aliens, who installed a communications device in her head.  I hope she doesn’t have to change the batteries very often.  It could get messy. 

That’s the thing about extraterrestrials, isn’t it?  Can’t phone you up or send you an SMS, or just send you an alien communicator via the mail, they have to perform messy and complicated surgery on creatures who probably have a considerably different metabolism than their own.  And while they’re at it, they might as well have a bit of fun by doing you up the arse with a machine. 

Now, lets ask ourselves which is likely to be true : extraterrestrials travelling thousands of light-years to implant high-technology communications in some hick from the backwoods, with a little time-out for some kinky bum-fun,  OR the woman’s a loony with an over-active imagination of David Icke proportions.

You’re right.  The Aliens win every time.

Copyright © 2003-2011 Steve Dix